Lesson Fourteen: Everybody Loves A Good Book

One of my favorite places in the world is a book store.  I love reading as does my husband so we have been successful in raising voracious readers.  The girls constantly have several books going at one time.  They are always telling us that we should read this book or that book.  Not that I don't trust my children, but I don't always have the same taste in books as they do.  (They inhaled the Twilight series  for instance and I just couldn't get into it).

I have been part of a pretty active book club for about 5 years now.  We all have different tastes in books so we are sometimes stretched to read things that are outside of our comfort zone.  Recently one of the members chose a book that her high schooler was reading, The Hunger Games.  I picked it up, read the back and groaned.  I very much dislike futuristic, Mad Max books and movies and as this book takes place in a future year, I wasn't looking forward to reading it at all.

Like a good little book club member though, I plunged in.  Much to my surprise, I found that I was completely sucked into this book within about 2 pages of starting it.  I love when characters are written well and these characters are very real.  I absolutely loved the book and finished it quickly.

I asked my daughters if they had ever heard of the book and they had.  I told them both it was a great book and they should read it.  My oldest daughter decided to read it first.  I knew that she was enjoying it just as much as I was when we couldn't get her out of her room on a Saturday afternoon because she was reading.  Once she finished it, my other daughter started to read it.  Once again, I knew she was enjoying it when I couldn't get her out of bed for school because she was reading in bed after her alarm went off.  She has not yet finished it, but it won't be long.

I am surprised that all of us read and thoroughly enjoyed the same book.  In fact, my oldest daughter has a friend who has the second book and when she told me she was going to ask her to borrow it, I told her that I get first dibbs on reading it!

In the era of Ipods and laptops and Wii games, I am thrilled that my children can still find joy in reading a good book.  I am even more thrilled that we can enjoy the same book and have a conversation about how much we enjoyed it.

Lesson Fourteen:  Everybody loves a good book.

Lesson Thirteen: Everything's Better With Bacon....Or Onions

In our house, we have a saying about food:  Everything's better with bacon.  Not surprisingly, we aren't vegetarians.  As far as eating goes, my daughters are pretty adventurous.  They will never turn down pizza of course, but will always try whatever I make and in general eat quite a few things that I don't see many tween girls enjoying.

We recently went out to lunch and waded through a salad bar.  As we are taking a look at each other's choices, my daughter tells me that she doesn't like onions.  "What do you mean, you don't like onions?  I put onions in everything I cook.  Remember the pasta I made last week--onions.  The chicken tacos we had---onions.  The mushroom soup that is your favorite---onions."  She was stunned.

I don't hide ingredients in food.  I know some parents do this so that they can get their kids to eat in a more nutritious way, but I don't.  If I want to put onions or garlic or broccoli or anything else in food, I just do.  The girls can eat it or choose not to, but I don't change my recipes for them.  I find that there are times when they pick through ingredients, but for the most part I think if they are used to seeing it, they just eat it.  (My kids love broccoli, by the way.)  I was a little surprised therefore, that she was stunned.  We have onions in our kitchen at all times.  Where does she think they go?  I tried to explain to them that garlic and onions are used in many, many foods to jumpstart the flavor.

When we got home, I found my girls pouring through a kid's cookbook that they have asking if they could make dinner.  I'm not going to turn that down since I am generally the one who cooks in our family.  They rejected several options since I told them they needed to choose something that we already had all the ingredients to make.  They finally made a choice:

What was the first line of the ingredients?   1/2 cup of chopped onion

Lesson Thirteen:  Everything's better with bacon....or onions.

Lesson Twelve: A Lack of Gratitude Equals a Lack of Privileges

I think most parents want more for their kids than they had themselves and we are no exception.  During my childhood I had very few opportunities to do activities and sports.  We try very hard to give our kids opportunities when we can, while at the same time hoping they understand that they are lucky to be able to do them.

I am currently unemployed and have been for the last 9 months.  We have had to do much belt tightening and have made many decisions about our finances.  Before I was laid off, we purchased ski lessons for our girls at a charity auction.  Now that ski season has arrived, we had to make a decision about the ski lessons knowing that there were costs involved such as lift tickets and equipment.  After much discussion we decided that we would make some other sacrifices so that we could provide ski lessons for both of them.  This marks the third year that they have taken lessons.

We scoured through Craigslist looking for inexpensive equipment for them, bought student discounted lift tickets, warm hats and gloves and made the drive up to our local ski area.  My youngest daughter is always up for a challenge so she was thrilled to be in the snow.  My older daughter on the other hand was less than excited.  Her coat was too small, her goggles were too loose, the skis were too heavy, it was too cold.

We met up with the instructor and sent them on their way assuming that once they got out there, they would enjoy it as much as they had in previous years.  When we returned to pick them up, they both politely thanked their instructor as we would expect and then turned to walk away.  We asked how it went and from my youngest daughter, we heard that it was great.  From my oldest daughter...."I hate skiing".

After spending money that could have gone elsewhere, spending the time and effort to find, adjust and clean the equipment and then drive up to the pass this was enough to send my husband and I over the edge.

We ended up having a very long discussion about gratitude and privileges and decided that in order for her to have a better understanding of gratitude, we would take away the privilege that is most important to her; her phone.  She will be without her phone for 2 weeks at which time we will re-evaluate.  In the wake of the earthquake in Haiti, my children absolutely have to understand how lucky and blessed they are. 

Lesson Twelve:  A lack of gratitude equals a lack of privileges.

Lesson Eleven: Future Value of Money

I am the proud owner of an MBA.  A degree that I earned as an adult, with much blood, sweat and tears.  While I am thrilled to have the degree, there were definitely classes that I did not look forward to at all.  Finance and Accounting classes were at the top of that list.  I didn't like them, didn't understand them, and told myself over and over again that I would not go into either Finance or Accounting.  (My last job was for a large financial services organization, but that is a totally different story!)

So imagine my surprise when I found myself  having a discussion with my daughters about the Future Value of Money.  My kids, like many, have certain chores that they are responsible for and for which they get paid.  We are pretty strict about chores and if the chores are not completed, they do not get paid for them.  We only pay for actual work completed.  Along with the chores, there are certain things that my husband and I view as just part of living in the house.

In our house, doing dishes is not a paid chore.  It is just part of the deal for living here in the house.  The other day after a quick after school snack, my girls left the kitchen table looking as if a hurricane had blown through the house.  Dishes on the table, garbage on the table, crumbs everywhere.  I asked the girls if they would please clean up their mess and put their dishes in the dishwasher.  While they were at it, there were a couple of glasses in the sink as well and I asked them to put those in the dishwasher as well.

"Those aren't ours."  Yes, well, I understand that, but it isn't going to kill you to put two extra glasses in the dishwasher.  "Is it part of our chores?"  Nope, that it isn't, but still would be nice for you to do.

While my girls sat there dumbstruck, my smart husband says to them.  "Maybe you should do it so you can bank it for the future".  Brilliant!  They are all about money right now so this perked up their attention.

We explained to them that sometimes the cost of doing something now (in this case, 5 seconds to put two glasses in the dishwasher) has the possibility of growing into some larger value later on.  We explained that maybe if they worked on "banking" chores that the next time they asked for something, we might be more inclined to say yes because the value of their going the extra mile would grow.

The future value of money, or in this case, time, had never occurred to them.  They put the two extra glasses in the dishwasher.  Then they went upstairs, cleaned out their closets, cleaned up the play room and made their beds.  Unbelievable!  I'm quite certain we are going to feel the repercussions of their grasp of the future value of money sometime soon.  But for now, I am basking in the glory of getting something useful out of those miserable Finance classes!

Lesson Eleven:  Future value of money

Lesson Ten: Just Say No

My daughters are only 13 months apart, so they are more peers than older sister/younger sister.  Still, my youngest daughter covets her sister's attention and enjoys her as a friend.  Even though this is the case, it clearly isn't a strong enough feeling that she is willing to give in to peer (sibling) pressure.

My oldest daughter (Cailey) had a friend over recently for a sleepover.  They spent the majority of time on their own, patently ignoring her younger sister (Darci).  I know that Darci was feeling a bit left out and would have liked to hang out with the two of them, but was surprised and proud of her when they finally asked her to participate.

The two older girls had decided that makeovers were in order and had done each other's makeup and hair and were looking for a new victim.  Their makeovers involved loads of glitter and sparkly lotion, eyeshadow and anything else they could find.  (Both of my girls currently wear mascara, but that is it for makeup.)  They were relentless in their pursuit of Darci.  I would have thought that since she was feeling left out, she would have jumped at the opportunity, but she resolutely said NO.  The older girls begged, pleaded, bribed, threatened, but Darci didn't want to be part of the sparkly makeover and just continued to say NO. 

I was very proud of her but really shouldn't have been surprised.  She is not my peer pressure  girl.  She is very much her own person and while she doesn't want to disappoint people, and sometimes gets her feelings hurt easily, she is not easily swayed from her own opinion.

When she was a toddler, we were asked to participate in a research study at the University of Washington.  The study was very simple.  There were a series of small plates that were given to the researcher.  On each plate was a "yummy" treat and a "yucky" treat. The idea was to try to see if the child could be swayed from the yummy treat.  Darci "failed" the test because she continued to choose and share the broccoli instead of the graham cracker.  Even though the researcher continued to indicate to her that he didn't like broccoli, she wasn't swayed.   She continued to try to share the broccoli and not the graham cracker.  That's my girl!  It doesn't matter what people try to convince you of....just stick to your guns.

Lesson Ten:  Just say no.

Lesson Nine: Cheaper Is Not Always Better

As far as my girls are concerned, the best part of Christmas is the shopping to be done after the holiday is over.  They take inventory of what they received, any cash that was received, collect coupons, gift cards, sale notices and off we go. 

We made a trek to Portland this week to visit with friends and family.  The girls had money to spend so they wanted to do some shopping.  My husband and I were along for the occasional help with discounts and math, and to guard the dressing room doors.

We spent all day on Thursday shopping through downtown Portland.  Well, to be honest, the girls shopped, my husband and I mostly sat and waited....and waited....and waited.  The fact is, they each had a finite amount of money to spend and they wanted to get the most for their money as possible.  They are generally pretty good little bargain shoppers.  They check for sales, shop the clearance section, prowl through consignment stores and do everything possible to go home with a large amount of bags.

The girls are at the age where they can't necessarily just shop for their age, especially with jeans.  They need to try them on for waist size and length.  Since the obsession with skinny jeans continues, they tried on maybe 30 pairs of jeans trying to find the exact right fit.  My youngest daughter found a pair that fit her really well and she loved them.  They happened to be on sale for 18.00.  My oldest daughter could not find a pair on sale despite her best efforts and had to accept the fact that she was going to pay 36.00 for a pair of jeans if she wanted jeans that fit.  While she was less than pleased with the price, she has worn the jeans every day since buying them.

Once the jeans mission was accomplished, it was off to find some boots.  Once again, they tried on every single pair of boots in the place.  After much discussion, they both chose a pair of boots that were on sale for 20.00.  My husband and I took one look at them with their cardboard-like soles and realized that they would be ruined within a week.

We asked them what they would choose if they didn't have to worry about money.  Without hesitating, they each chose a different boot.  These boots were not cheap at a nice round 50.00.  Not wanting to see them waste their money, my husband and I offered to kick in 20.00 for each of them and asked them to make their decision with that in mind.  It was not an easy decision, but in the end they both chose the 50.00 boots, now costing them 30.00.  We were finally able to convince them that cheaper is not always better especially if they were to spend 20.00 on a pair of boots that would be taking up space in the garbage within a week.  Sometimes you really do get what you pay for.

Lesson Nine:  Cheaper is not always better.

Lesson Eight: Not Everything Needs To Be A Message

We have spent an extremely lazy few days after the holidays. We have all slept in, stayed in our pajamas for way too long, read and watched endless movies.
The girls must have received at least a dozen  new movies for Christmas so they are perfectly content to sit and watch them for hours. I don't always join them (I can only watch so much teen angst), but did decide to sit down with them when they watched the Pixar movie "UP". I had seen the previews for this movie of course, but we had never seen it in the theatres and I sat down with the expectation that it would be a cute but brainless animated movie.

To my surprise, I found it to be a heartbreaking movie about a man who promises his wife adventure and through the course of their life, never gets to do that "big" adventure. As he looks back on his life, he feels like he failed by letting his opportunities pass him by.

Along comes a little boy scout into his life who needs to help the elderly to earn a patch. I thought this little boy was so sweet because they ended up teaching each other that it isn't necessarily the big adventures in life that count, sometimes it is the small adventures.

I am of course in tears by the end of the movie and ask my girls what they thought of it and what they thought the message was.  "What message?" is the reply I get.

What message?  Are you kidding me?  You know, the message about enjoying every minute and taking every opportunity to have adventures whether they are big or small?  How about the message about not taking for granted the moments that you get to be with your family or friends doing every day things?  Or maybe the message about learning from other people when you think you have nothing to learn from them?  Maybe something about doing things while you can before it's too late??

"Huh.  We didn't get any of that."

Sigh.  I guess there doesn't have to be a message in everything does there?

Lesson Eight:  Not everything needs to be a message

Lesson Seven: Individuality is Over-Rated

Our holidays were wonderful and the girls are very happy with all of their gifts.  They have worn all of their new clothes and tried out all of their new gadgets and games and taken time to read their new books and watch their new movies. 

Of course it isn't good enough to enjoy all of your new goods with just your sister, so at the first opportunity they asked if they could have a sleepover with friends.  My girls happen to be friends with two sisters who are the same age as my girls so the 4 of them are great friends.  They asked if the two friends could come to our house to spend the night and we said they could.

I shouldn't have been surprised when the friends arrived but I was.  There are my two girls with their highly coveted North Face Oso jackets, fuzzy boots and their new purple T-Mobile phones awaiting the arrival of their friends.  In walk the two friends wearing what exactly??  North Face Oso jackets, fuzzy boots and carrying their purple phones.  I had no idea that the things my girls were asking for were what everyone else was asking for!

As the friends walked in, I asked them all if it bothered them that they were all the same.  They each giggled and told me resolutely NO!  They were perfectly happy to all look the same.  I guess at this age, girls are much more concerned about being just like everyone else than they are about having some individuality.  I sincerely hope that the individuality comes later.

Lesson Seven:  Individuality is over-rated.

Lesson Six: The Best Traditions Have Room to Grow

I love traditions and this time of year is of course filled with family traditions.  When we had kids, my husband and I looked forward to creating our own traditions with our children.  What we didn't know is how important they would become to the girls.

Every year our holiday season begins on the day after Thanksgiving when I turn on my favorite Christmas CD's, break out paint and paint a holiday scene on our front windows.  This is something that came from my childhood as my dad did it every year.  I have done it every year since my kids were very little.  They both love this tradition and watch eagerly as the pictures come to life each year.  This year, the girls asked if they could paint windows as well.  I gave them their own paint, paintbrushes and some lines for perspective and told them they could have free reign on the back windows.  So this year, we have snowmen on the front windows that I painted, and wreaths and Santa hats on the back windows that the girls painted.

Because we have a hard time getting our entire extended family together on an actual holiday, we started having an open house for my extended family the week before Christmas.  I originally did it for convenience, but it has become tradition and we have been hosting this event for about 10 years now.  Because I have been doing it for so long, we have it down to a science.  We have it on the same day every year (the Sunday before Christmas), we have food catered from the same place each year (I gave up trying to do all of my own cooking), we invite the same people.  The girls look forward to it every year because it is the only time they get to see all of their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins at one time.

This year having been personally impacted by the economy and seeing more and more friends affected by the economy as well, we decided that we would make one small change to our open house and asked everyone to bring a food donation that we could take to our local food bank.  My family came through with flying colors.  There were bags and boxes and stacks of food on our doorstep by the end of the evening.

About halfway through the open house, my oldest daughter snuck out the door to meet up with some friends from the neighborhood and they came knocking on the front door and started singing Christmas carols.  There were about a half a dozen of them and their voices were sweet and pure in the night and my entire family came to the door to watch.  When they finished, they asked if they could take the food donations and add them to donations they had been collecting all week to take to the food bank.

How nice that something that was our tradition (the open house) had enough room to grow into something that will help others (the food donations) and could be enjoyed by so many (the caroling and the painting).

I look forward to expanding other traditions into something that we all enjoy and are proud of.

Lesson Six:  The best traditions have room to grow. 

Lesson Five: Take Quality Time Where You Can Get It

Of course the holidays are coming and everyone is busy, busy, busy.  We are no exception.  We have parties, and programs and get-togethers, wrapping and decorating and shopping to do.  So of course the worst possible thing that could happen is that we get sick.  Both my youngest daughter and I fell like a couple of logs when the flu came skulking around this week. 

She went down first on Monday night and I followed, falling hard on Tuesday.  We have spent the last 3 days alternatively hanging over a toilet, or laying immobile in bed.  This left my wonderful husband and my oldest daughter to not only take care of themselves, but take care of us and every other holiday emergency that couldn't wait.

My oldest daughter is abnormally afraid of throwing up.  I don't know why, but she cannot stand being near it and is deathly afraid of doing it herself.  This meant that she has stayed well away from her sister and I for the better part of 3 days, only coming in to see one of us if she first took a big breath and then held her breath the entire time.

The only good thing that came from this is that my oldest daughter got to spend 3 days with her dad.  They got to eat every meal together, watch TV, work on homework and projects and take care of their family.  Though my husband is very involved with the kids, it is rare that he gets this kind of opportunity to spend uninterupted time with the girls.  I think my daughter was secretly happy to have her dad all to herself for just a couple of days.

Me, on the other hand....I cannot say I enjoyed my time hanging over the toilet and there is no way that I would wish it on either one of my daughters.  However, when my husband had to go back to work yesterday and my oldest daughter went to school, it was just me and my little girl all alone.  We picked out the entire Harry Potter series of movies, lots of pillows and crackers and settled in.  We got to spend the entire day watching movies and comiserating about being sick.  We got through 5 movies and made the best of our day alone together. 

I realize that in a few years, our children aren't going to be nearly as enamored about spending time with their parents, so for now, I'll take it where I can get it.

Lesson Five:  Take quality time where you can get it.

Lesson Four: Courage is Not Defined by Age

My husband and I had the chance to go to the Guy Fieri Roadshow this weekend.  If you don't know who Guy Fieri is, he is the rock star, rebel chef of the Food Network.  He is a tattoo covered, spiky haired, rock and roll, beer guzzling, larger than life personality.  The audience that this show brought in was not your typical cooking show audience.  There were more tattoos and bling and dark sunglasses than I have seen in a long time.  They were loud and slightly crude but clearly appreciated what Guy Fieri was doing for cooking.

As part of the show, Guy asked for volunteers to come up and sing.  He wasn't providing music, he just wanted some volunteers who could come up and sing accapella.  There were about 5 adults in varying stages of inebriation who volunteered and then there was a 12 year old girl.  They all got up there and sang, some well, some not so well and do you know who won?  The 12 year old.  Not because she was 12 but because she was good.  Not only was she good, but she totally held her own with a personality powerhouse.  Can you imagine the courage it takes to get up on stage when you are 12 years old in front of a beer-swilling, tattoo covered audience of adults?  She is braver than I would have been.

I always think that kids are braver than we give them credit for.  My kids were 10 and 11 when I was diagnosed with cancer and I thought the bravest thing I had ever seen was having my daughters watch me have my head shaved in preparation for chemo.  They were understanding and brave and I could not have been prouder of their reactions.  They were in fact much braver than I was.  I was terrified, but they handled it with grace and courage.

Lesson Four:  Courage is Not Defined by Age.

Lesson Two: Parents Aren't Always As Dumb As They Look

I remember the days when I thought my parents were dumber than a box of rocks.  I thought they didn't know anything at all about being a kid and I'm well aware that the day would come when my daughters

would do the same.  Well, we're there.

Today is a crisp winter day and we started the morning at a chilly 27 degrees.  My daughters, who typically wear the standard tween uniform of skinny jeans, layered t-shirts and converse came down for breakfast in the exact same outfit that they would have worn had it been 67 degrees instead of 27. As they started to head out the door, I suggested to them that maybe they might want to wear a coat.

Enter the eye-rolling, big sigh and hands on hips attitude of an 11 and 12 year old.  "Why would we wear a coat, we'll never wear it, it will just end up in our locker anyway".  Note that both girls have very nice winter jackets that were plenty "cool" when they begged us for them last winter.

After much arguing and eye-rolling from all sides, the girls both left with a lightweight zip up sweatshirt.  They left in a huff, grumbling the entire time about how unfair it was and how I didn't know anything.

At last they were gone and I settled into a nice, quiet house, free from attitude.  By 9:15am (15 minutes after the start of school) I receive a phone call from my daughter.  "Mom, I'm really sorry about this morning".  Uh-huh, I can see already that there is more to this conversation than a bad case of guilt, but I thank her for the apology anyway reminding her that it is my job to make sure my children are safe and happy and healthy at all times.  Then I wait.  I know there is more, but am I going to help her out with this conversation?  Not a chance.

"I was wondering if you were doing anything right now."  Hmmm, getting closer to the real reason for the call...."I was wondering if you would bring me a sweatshirt because the classrooms are all really cold."

Well, what do you know?  Sometimes parents actually know what they are talking about!

Lesson Two:  Parents aren't always as dumb as they look.

Lesson One: Sometimes it Sticks

You know how there are certain lessons that you try to drill into your children's heads and just hope that when the time comes they will remember them?  Well sometimes they actually stick.

Neither my husband or I smoke.  We don't have friends who smoke or family.  We have told our two girls over and over that smoking is a bad choice and something that can cause serious health issues and even death.  Being a cancer survivor myself, my kids have had a first hand look at how difficult cancer can be. 

We have always told them that at some point they were going to be in a situation with smoking where they would have to make a choice and our hope was that they would make the right choice no matter how difficult or embarrassing it might prove to be.

This past weekend, my oldest daughter (who is 12) went to spend the night with a friend.  This girl's parents are divorced and though we are well acquainted with the mother, we are not that familiar with the father.  This particular night the girls planned to go bowling and then spend the night at the dad's house.   What we did not know was that the dad and his new wife both smoke. 

My husband and I were on a dinner cruise for a holiday gathering and unfortunately did not get the call when my daughter first called us.  When she couldn't reach us, she did exactly what we have always told her to do; she called someone she trusted.  She called Grandma. 

She called Grandma (from the bathroom) and told her (in tears) that the parents smoked and she wasn't comfortable spending the night at their house.  She asked Grandma to come and pick her up.  We have always told our kids that if they get into a situation like this, they can place the blame squarely on us if they don't want to upset a friend or be embarrassed.  She told the friend that we had called her and told her there was a change in plans and because we needed to pick her up early, she needed to spend the night with Grandma instead.  In short, she lied.  Were we unhappy with this?  Not one bit.  She did exactly what we told her to do, get out of an uncomfortable situation by doing whatever it takes. 

Lesson One:  Sometimes it sticks!